Sometimes I get anxious thinking about what I'm going to miss once I move to Ethiopia. Of course there's a plethora of things that come to mind: someone dying, a dear friend getting married, maybe my brother and sister-in-law will be blessed with a child, other milestones like fun birthdays or holidays. I can't think about for too long or it overwhelms me. Part of the deal in this move is for me to accept emotionally that I won't be always be within a quick two hour flight or a 1-2 hour time difference in a phone call. Or be able to drive over to someone's house and hang out.
A lot of these thoughts went through my mind when my Grandpa Roger passed away in St. Paul, Minn on September 18. I didn't think I would be able to get over the regret if I couldn't make it up for the funeral. I don't have many opportunities like this left, and I really wanted to be with my family. Fortunately a dear friend volunteered some frequent flier miles and my job was gracious to allow me three days off so I could be there for the wake, funeral, and then to fly back to Atlanta the next day.
In the day or so heads up that I had to plan, many thoughts of dread entered my mind in thinking about this funeral. For one reason or another, I have never since attended a funeral after my mother passed away on August 8, 2002. So I've made it nine years, which almost makes it harder to then go ahead and break that cycle. I also had a feeling that my grandpa would be buried in the same cemetery as where my mother's ashes are (her body was cremated and remain in a Mausoleum in the cemetery). I've never been back to see her headstone. I think for some people, visiting the cemetery is very therapeutic, which is awesome. For me, I prefer not to go, but to rather rejoice when memory of hers comes up or when I read over the encouraging words she wrote in cards I still keep that she sent to me when I was in college. However, I had a feeling that in celebrating my grandpa's life (her father), I was open to reliving what happened to my mom. Therefore I was able to contribute to the funeral by reading a prayer when asked to do so, and then my brother, sister-in-law and I, along with a few other family members went over to see where my mom's ashes are after my grandpa's body was buried.
Throughout the time I was with my family in Minnesota, it was intriguing to me as a counselor and as a daughter, cousin, niece, and sister to see how each of us worked through my grandpa being gone now. There was a lot of laughter, tears, etc, but most importantly just a general feeling of solidarity and love. I think everyone seemed to feel the freedom to grieve and love in their own ways. When were at at my mom's gravesite, that was when I felt the most release, and was able to cry while listening others tell stories of their favorite memories of my mom. It was interesting too realizing that my littlier cousins do not know my mom, or were too young to remember her. We tried to help with that just a little bit through the stories :). The whole moment also turned into hilarity as my uncle tried to corral his two youngest kids back in the car, whom I think were about fed up with having to sit and be quiet for most of the morning, and in doing this he realized that they were about to get in the car holding flowers they got from somewhere. He was like.. "where did you get those flowers!?!?!" which my brother decided would make an perfect answer to the question of "What are the top ten things you should never have to say at a cemetery???" So awesome.
I know that it's a huge understatement to say that being thousands of miles away is going to be hard, but at the same time I am grateful for technology, mail, smoke signals, pigeons, in-person visits that will be on the horizon on this new journey and will allow me to remain in their lives. I so enjoyed being able to share this moment now with such amazing and inspiring people that I get to call my family.
I included two pictures: one of me with my cousins on my mom's side of the family (minus Kristy and Derek) at the post-life celebration BBQ and balloon release in honor of my grandpa at my aunt Sherrie's house. The other pic is an example of how I have to dress when I'm in Minnesota anytime after August 31.
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